Feeling Alone, While Surrounded by Friends
by islashlove
Summary: It's Christmas Eve and Shawn is depressed, he can only see one way out. It involves a bottle of scotch, a bottle of sleeping pills and a roof top. Can Lassiter talk him down before it's too late. It will be slash in the end.
1. Christmas can be a downer

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own anything that is from Psych. **

**Beta:**** Yes, I would like to say thank you to my Beta jerseybelle for all her hard work.**

**Warning 1:**** This will be a slash story in the end. If you don't like it, don't read it. There is talk of suicide and depression.**

**Story Notes:**** Shawn has many friends, but at Christmas time, he feels all alone in the crowd.**

**Feeling Alone, While Surrounded by Friends:**** By islashlove**

**Chapter 1:**** Christmas can be a Downer **

Lassiter let out a sigh as he watched another officer head out to the back of the station for the office Christmas party. He was again working the Christmas Eve shift. It was what he had done for years, but in the last few years, he wished someone else would do it so that, for once, he could join in.

Over the last few years he had changed. Not that he would admit he had, but he had. He now wanted to be part of the social life of the station, instead of keeping it away, and it was all because of one person, Shawn Spencer.

Lassiter couldn't help smile when he thought of Spencer, especially after seeing him dressed up in that Santa costume he was in tonight. Spencer, Guster and O'Hara had come up to wish him a Merry Christmas, before they also headed to the back. Thinking back to that moment, something had seemed off with Spencer, he wasn't his usual bouncy self. Shaking his head of the strange sensation, he returned to work.

After about an hour, he got the feeling he was being watched. Lassiter looked around the bull pen, his eyes finely falling on Spencer, standing in a corner watching him. The strange feeling of dread fell on his shoulders, but he couldn't work out why. Was it because Spencer had this weird look on his face or was it the fact that he was standing still? Whatever the reason, Lassiter couldn't shake it. Shawn, holding an envelope close to his body, walked slowly over to where Lassiter was sitting.

"Umm, Lassie...?" Shawn said with a hesitant voice.

"What do you want, Spencer?" Lassiter snapped a little bit more then he meant to.

Watching Spencer out of the corner of his eye, he could see him physically flinch at his words. Words Lassiter had regretted the moment he had said them. But he knew if he was nicer to Spencer, he would know how he truly felt about him. Shawn was now looking at the envelope in his hand.

"I...I just wanted to give you this and wish you a Merry Christmas." There was a hint of sadness in Spencer's voice. Looking up he could also see it in Spencer's eyes.

"You have already wished me Merry Christmas."

"I know, but I wanted to give you this and you can't open it until tomorrow. Please!" Spencer was begging, Lassiter could hear and see it. And the feeling of dread grew stronger.

"I promise I won't open it until tomorrow." Again Lassiter snapped a lot harsher then he planned.

"Thank you." Shawn turned to leave but called back, "Merry Christmas, Detective Lassiter," and he walked away. Lassiter watched him leave, but the feel of dread didn't leave. Returning to his work, Lassiter just threw the envelope onto his desk.

Lassiter had just come back from the file room when the call came in of a jumper dressed as Santa on a nearby building. As he walked over to his desk to grab his gun, he knew this type of call was coming. After all, during the month of December the rate of suicides and attempted suicides went up.

As he reached for his gun, his eyes fell onto Spencer's letter. The strong feeling of dread came rushing back, as he realised the letter was not addressed to Lassie or any of his other nicknames, but to Detective Carlton Lassiter. Adding to this fact Spencer was dressed in a Santa costume and headed out of the station and not back to the party, added to the fear that was rising. Grabbing the letter he bolted out the front door.

As he went up the lift to the roof of the building, Lassiter opened the letter. Inside he found two more envelopes; one was address to him, the other to the police. A quick glance over the police one confirmed his fear; it was Spencer who was the jumper. His hand shook as he opened the other one, he slowly read it.

_Dear Lassie,_

_I am going to give you what you and everyone else wants for Christmas; me, no longer in their lives._

_I have finalised all my personal business and I hope with all my heart you have a good life._

_Forever yours,_

_Shawn Spencer._

_P.S. Lassie, I could never say to you, but I love you. I love you with all my heart and I just cannot go on like I am. Please forgive me._

Lassiter folded up the letters and placed them in to his pocket just as the doors opened. Walking out of the lift into the winter air made Lassiter shiver. He looked over at the approaching officer; he wondered what the hell in the world made Spencer think killing himself would make him happy.

"Sir, we have one male jumper, dressed as Santa Clause. It looks like he is drunk, and he is mumbling about being alone and no one wants him."

"Thank you, officer, you didn't get a name?"

"No sir, but..."

"But, but what, officer?"

"But he sounds like Shawn Spencer, sir"

"Ok, I'll see if he will talk to me."

"Sir, he's just off to the right, behind the air conditioner over there," the officer said pointing in the direction he was talking about.

Lassiter walked over very carefully as the roof was slippery. When the jumper came into sight, there was no question in his mind that it was Spencer. Moving a bit closer, he watched as Shawn turned and looked at him.

Yes, Spencer was drunk and his eyes were filled with tears and fear. As he took another step, Shawn turned back to the edge.

"Come any closer and I go," the slightly slurred voice came. Lassiter stopped in his tracks and raised his hands.

"Ok, Spencer, I won't come any closer. Just sit down and we will talk, please."

As Lassiter said this, he slowly sat down on the ground. Shawn eyed him and, satisfied that there was no way Lassiter could get to him from where he was, he sat down. Grabbing his bottle of whiskey, he took another drink.

"Ok, Shawn, why are you doing this?" Lassiter asked, trying not to sound nervous.

"What, Lassie! No, you need to come down, think of your dad and Guster," Shawn replied sarcastically.

"Would it make a difference, Spencer?" he said, hoping the answer would be yes.

"No!" Shawn said shaking his head and took another drink.

"Then, what the hell has brought you to this, Spencer."

"I do this every year. I sit up here in the cool night air, thinking about how much better everyone else's lives would be without me around."

"No they wouldn't be," Lassiter whispered to himself, and then he continued, a bit louder. "Spencer, I know you're a pain in the butt, but trust me, I wouldn't have it any other way."

Shawn let out a dry, low, sad laugh. "You wouldn't have it any other way, now there's the understatement of the year."

"Spencer... Shawn, you have hundreds of friends, why..."

"Why do I want to kill myself? Why would someone like me feel depressed when I'm surrounded by all these people? It's simple, I might have all these people around me, but I'm alone, Lassie. I have no one who really cares for me. My mum left because she hated to have a kid with so many problems." When Shawn stopped to have another swig of the whiskey, Lassiter took this opportunity to stand up. He watched as Shawn frowned, as he realised that he had drank the last bit. Shawn threw the bottle to one side nearly hitting Lassiter.

"Hey, watch it," Lassiter said, jumping up out of the way.

Shawn started to laugh at the way Lassiter was jumping around. He was laughing so hard, he didn't really take notice that Lassiter had moved closer and was now sitting on the ledge next to him. But he stopped laughing as soon as he felt the hand cuffs click into place around his wrist.

"What the..." he said jerking his hand up sharply to look at what Lassiter had done, noting that the other part was around Lassiter's wrist. "Take these off, NOW!"

"No, if you go, I go and I know you're not a murderer. And that is bull shit, about having no one. You've got your dad, Guster, the Chief and O'Hara; heck you've even got McNab and..."

"And who Detective Lassiter? You! Yeah right, you make sure I know how you feel all the time. Just like Dad, you think you do something right, something that he will be proud of, but nooo, I can't ever do something like that. Gus, he's the same; you know he's been the only friend I've ever had, he has stayed with me through thick and thin; and do you know why he stays with me? Do you?" Shawn didn't give Lassiter the chance to answer. "It's because I don't stay; I keep leaving, so he has a chance for a normal life. I've been here too long, we've starting to fight like me and my dad and do you know where he runs to, do you? It's to Jules, to her arms. So you see, Lassie, I have no one, on one who would really care if I died!"

Shawn's speech had seemed too slow at the end. At first, Lassiter thought it was the alcohol, but he then noticed the empty bottle of sleeping pills sitting on the ledge.

"Spencer, if you really wanted to jump, why didn't you?"

"I can't, I knew I wouldn't have the nerve to. I was just supposed to sit here and..."

Shawn started to sway as his eyelids became heavy. Lassiter braced himself in case Shawn did go over the ledge. He also reached out to grab Shawn's arm to try to balance him.

"Someone get over here and give me a hand, and call an ambulance. He's taken some pills and has blacked out." When no one seemed to move, he again shouted the orders, but added, "AND I MEAN NOW!"

At this, all hell broke loose, but by the time they had gotten to Lassiter, Shawn had started to slip from the ledge. Holding on tight to his arm and with the help of the other officers they managed to get Shawn back onto the roof top just as the medics arrived. They stabilised Shawn the best they could and after Lassiter had removed the cuffs, they transported Shawn to the hospital.

After Lassiter helped secured the scene, he headed straight to the hospital to check on Spencer. By the time he arrived, Shawn was in the recovery room. The doctor had explained that Shawn was in a coma, brought on by the combination of sleeping pills and alcohol, and until he awakes, they won't know if there was any damage done. Knowing that there wasn't much he could do, and making sure that as soon as Shawn came to, he was to be called, he headed back to the station.

He had just sat down in his chair and taken out the two letters when O'Hara and Guster walked up to him.

"Detective Lassiter, have you seen Shawn?" asked Gus

Lassiter just stared at him. He couldn't understand, how, out of everyone, Guster didn't see how much Spencer was hurting. He was just about to say something, when, out the corner of his eyes, he saw Henry Spencer heading their way. Leaning back in his chair, he watched the older Spencer walk towards them, he seemed angry and Lassiter could already tell who he was angry at.

"Gus, Juliet, Detective Lassiter, have any of you seen Shawn?"

"We just asked Carlton the same question, Mr. Spencer," replied Juliet.

"And what did he say?' Henry queried as he looked at Lassiter who just sat there looking back at him.

"He hadn't had the chance to answer."

"Well, Detective, do you know where Shawn is?"

Lassiter was trying to think about whether or not to tell them that Shawn was in the hospital because he had tried to kill himself; that he believed no one cared about him. After a few moments he decided to tell them; after all Shawn did need to see that they all did care and he meant all of them.

"Yes, I do know where he is, but before I tell you I want to ask you all a question and I'd like an answer, please," Lassiter said without a smile, but with such seriousness in his eyes none of them questioned him.

"Mr. Spencer, why do you fight with Shawn all the time, and isn't there something you're proud of him for?"

"It's a strange question you're asking, Detective, but yes, there are a few things that Shawn does that makes me proud of him. As for the fighting, I guess it just, I don't... I just don't know any other way to talk to him. I wish there was another way, but I just can't see it happening."

"Ok, O'Hara, I know you're dating Guster here, but do you care for Shawn at all?"

"Of cause I do. He's a kind, gentle, sweet man. Who wouldn't care for him?"

Just as Juliet finished the Chief and McNab walked up.

"Chief, McNab, I see you two have joined us. Would you like to join in as well?" asked Lassiter, still keeping on the same blank face.

"What is going on here and join in on what?"

"Detective Lassiter will only tell us where Shawn is if we answer his questions." Henry explained.

"Ok, Detective, tell them where he is," the Chief commanded.

"No!" Lassiter said defiantly.

"What did you say? Detective!" the Chief said as she crossed her arms.

"I said no. I am only going to say where he is, once I get my answers. So, with respect Chief, you don't want to join in, can you please leave; the same to you McNab."

"No, I'll answer your question, Detective."

"Ok, Carlton, I'll play along as well," added the Chief.

"Ok, Chief and McNab, What do you two think about Spencer?"

They both gave Lassiter a strange look, and then looked around the others. Shaking their heads, they turned back to the detective.

"I like him, I mean Shawn; he brightens up the station. We see hell nearly every day and Shawn seems to make those really bad days more, bearable. If you know what I mean?"

"Yes, McNab, I do. And you, Chief?"

"Well, I see Spencer as a very confident and honest member of my station. I also agree with McNab, Shawn's presence in this station has changed the feel of it. I mean, it wasn't until he came here that we started to have Christmas parties. I also believe he is a good man. Was that what you wanted?"

"Yes, chief, it was. Now, Guster, it's your turn. How do you think you and Spencer stayed friends for so long?"

"For starters, Detective Lassiter let it go on record that I believe none of this is any of your business, but because I want to know where Shawn is, I'll answer it. Shawn's and my friendship it is based on mutual respect. He gives me my space and I give him his. I don't pry in to his life when he leaves, I just let him tell me about it when he is ready. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes and no," Lassiter said frowning.

"Now, Detective Lassiter, tell them where Shawn is," the Chief then commanded.

"In a second, Chief" and Lassiter got up and walked over to another officer, after talking to him for a few seconds, Lassiter returned to them. "Ok, you are probably wondering why I asked those questions and how I really feel about Spencer."

"Not really, you hate him. You have made that very clear," Gus snapped

"Yes, I guess I have, but to tell you the truth; I'm in love with Shawn." Lassiter waited to see if anyone was going to say anything, but when nothing came he continued. "I'm not sure when it happened, all I know is it did happen and because I didn't want Shawn to know the truth, I just kept on treating him the same way as I have always done.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that," Gus said looking at Henry to see what he was thinking.

"So..." Henry started "are you going to tell him how you feel, I mean?"

"I hope I get the chance." Just then the other officer he had gone and talked to came back, whispered in his ear and then disappeared.

"What was all that?" snapped Chief Vick

"The officer was letting me know the bus I asked him to get, was here."

"Why do you need a bus?" inquired Gus.

"It is going to take you to Shawn. Now on the trip to Shawn, I have one more question for you to answer, but this one you need to answer to yourself. And trust me, I've been asking myself this question, and I can't seem to answer it."

"And what is it?" asked Henry

"If we all care for Shawn, why the hell didn't at least one of us see he needed help?" Lassiter looked at the shocked faces in front of him. "The reason I got the bus is because all of you have been drinking, right?"

"Yes," they all replied

"Well, the bus is going to take us all to the hospital. I just got Shawn down off the roof top he was going to jump from, or rather, he took sleeping pills and a good amount of alcohol and he was going to let gravity do the job for him. He is, at the moment, in a coma from the alcohol and pills. Now let's go."

With that, they all walked out of the station. No one spoke; they were too shocked with the thought that Shawn had tried to kill himself.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	2. And Thoughts on the Bus go

**Chapter 2:**** And Thoughts on the Bus go...**

They climbed onto the bus Lassiter had organised for them. Their minds were filled with the questions Lassiter had asked them, his confession that he was in love with Shawn, and the fact that Shawn had tried to kill himself and they hadn't paid attention to the signs. Were they really so caught up in their own lives that they hadn't noticed that Shawn was on a self destructive spiral, or was he that good at hiding it from them?

Henry was hit the hardest by Lassiter's questions. Shawn was his son, his responsibility, so why hadn't he noticed that his son needed him? Shawn had been...Shawn, still bouncing around like he had always done. He still had a mouth on him that didn't stop for a second to let himself to think. So what could have possibly told him Shawn was so depressed that he would want to kill himself?

"_MR. Spencer, why do you fight with Shawn all the time and isn't there something you're proud of him for?"_

Was that what Shawn had told Lassiter, that he wasn't proud of him. Ok, maybe he didn't show or say that he was proud of Shawn, but he was. He was proud the day that Shawn was born. He was proud at how Shawn handled his mother's leaving them and he was proud that, after all these years, he had managed to stay Gus's friend.

But he was also proud of all of Shawn's achievements. Yes, it is true that Shawn never stayed in one job very long, but he always walked away with the ability to do that job well and not too many fathers could say that. But as for the fighting; oh how he wished that they could talk to each other. That just once, their meetings didn't end in a yelling match, with Shawn storming out the door and riding off on his death trap of a bike.

Then it hit him; the answer to what could have told him that there was something wrong with Shawn. It was so simple, so, out there in his face that the alarm bells should have been ringing. Shawn wasn't fighting with him, he and he alone was doing the yelling and screaming. All Shawn did was sit there and take it and then got a taxi or walked away. Not jumping onto his bike and taking off at a hundred miles an hour. He just walked away. No fight, no bike and Henry had missed it. Oh god, he missed it and the failure to see it could have resulted in him losing Shawn forever.

This thought sent a shiver down Henry's spine, so he tried to think positive that Shawn was going to be fine and how he will react when Lassiter confesses his love to him. And then he had to think about how he felt about Lassiter's confession. After all, not every day does a man confesses to you that he's in love with your son. With Shawn, Henry had always known that Shawn was bi and that he did prefer men to women. Hell, if he was going to honest, he also knew that Shawn liked Lassiter that way and had for some time. But how did he really feel about Shawn and Lassiter being together. The longer he thought about it, he realised that they complemented each other so perfectly. He knew if Shawn survived this and he wanted to be with Lassiter, he would be happy for them and maybe, just maybe, his relationship with Shawn might improve as well.

Juliet was in tears and she couldn't stop them. How, how in the world could Shawn try to kill himself and no one notice there was a problem? Ok, yeah, she and Gus had been dating and sure, neither of them had been spending as much time with him as they used to. But, that wasn't a good reason to go out and try to kill yourself, was it?

Jules shook her head, trying to clear it of the thoughts she was having. No, of course it wasn't and Shawn had told them over and over that he was fine with it. So, why, then, why would a kind and gentle person like Shawn do it? It couldn't have been because he was lonely, after all Shawn had plenty of friends, didn't he? Juliet sat there trying to think of one, just one other person she knew as Shawn's friend, but she came up empty. Not one person's name could she find, except for Gus.

Oh yes, Jules was also counted as his friend, but everyone else, well, they were just someone he had met, an acquaintance, nothing else. Could her relationship with Gus make Shawn feel so alone? The realisation that her happiness could have really done this to Shawn was too much for her, way too much. So much so that she started to blame Lassiter for it. That if only he had told Shawn how he had felt about him, then Shawn would have had someone and he would have been happy, too. Was that it? That even though Shawn made it look like he was happy, the real truth was he was sad and depressed; and no one noticed. Juliet had only succeeded in making herself more upset, so she cuddled against Gus, praying that he won't leave her because of Shawn.

McNab just sat in his seat. You could see on his face that he was upset and he was also in deep thought. He was trying to work out how Detective Lassiter could treat Shawn the way he did if he was in love with him. Couldn't Detective Lassiter see how Shawn felt about him? It wasn't like Shawn hid it, in fact just the opposite and McNab wasn't the only one to notice.

It was the biggest gossip topic at the station. Everybody was saying things like: "So, did you see how Spencer touched the Detective today" or "Well, Shawn got what he wanted, Detective Lassiter pushed him up against the wall again". So why didn't he notice what Shawn was doing and if he did, why did he keep treating Shawn like he was nothing.

To be honest, McNab was surprised that Shawn hadn't snapped earlier, no one could take that type of treatment and not. He knew, he had nearly reached that point himself, with the way Detective Lassiter treated him, but every day he had his wife to go home to and maybe that is what it was for Shawn, the fact that he got out there every day, bringing joy to others to show them there is more than the death and horrors they see every day. But when he went home, there wasn't anyone to help him through the bad dreams; through the wave of fear that one day you're going to do or not do something and someone will die. Unfortunately, today was that day; Shawn was that person and everyone on this bus were the ones who did or didn't do what they should have to keep him safe.

Chief Vick couldn't believe it. Shawn Spencer, the stations Psychic Consultant, had tried to kill himself and there was still a chance he could die. Thinking back over the last few years, Mr. Shawn Spencer had become more than just a consultant. He had become an important part of the team, just as if he was one of her officers. So why had she failed him?

It was her job to make sure the station ran smoothly, that the people who work for her were safe and happy. So, how the hell did Mr. Shawn Spencer slip under her radar? Why couldn't she see how he was feeling, was he that good at his job that he could hide behind it? And as for Lassiter, he should have known better. What is this, the second time he's fallen for a co-worker, hadn't he learned his lesson from the first time?

Letting out a sigh, she knew she had seen the signs. She had seen the way Lassiter looked at Shawn when he wasn't looking at him. She had seen the way Shawn pushed Lassiter, just to get him to touch him, but the worst thing was, she had seen the warning signs with Shawn. She had noticed how his visions had been off, how he wasn't his usual happy self, in fact she had noticed how every time Lassiter had bitten off his head, and Shawn seemed to lose a little bit of his smile. Now she wished she had said something to someone, but she didn't; instead she let it get to this.

Gus looked at Jules lying in his arms, she was upset with what happened to Shawn and by the look on her face she was blaming herself for it. But it wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyone's. Gus took a quick look around the bus and he could see everyone was in deep thought and most likely blaming themselves as well as each other for this. He shook his head, he knew it would come; he knew Shawn was on the edge and was ready to take the plunge.

He didn't mean he knew Shawn was on the roof top, ready to jump. He meant he knew Shawn was ready to crash and burn. To turn on his heels and start running, as far from Santa Barbara as he could get. Shawn had been there too long. Far too long for him and he was getting itchy feet. The energy that was Shawn was going out and he needed a new place, a new challenges to re-ignite the flame that kept Shawn going. What Gus hadn't realised was that Shawn had tied himself to Lassiter and he couldn't let go.

Yes, he knew Shawn had fallen for the Detective, but he thought it was just an infatuation. He didn't think that Shawn could really feel love. Now he wished he had. Lassiter had asked him_, "How do you think you and Spencer, stayed friends for so long?"_ And he answered _"Mutual respect"._ Gus hadn't lied, it was mutual respect. But this time, respecting Shawn's privacy might have just cost him his life.

Lassiter was also lost in his thoughts, but they were all over the place. At one point he was wondering if any of them on the bus had realised that they had seen the warning signs, but just ignored them. He also wondered if they had thought about what he had said about being in love with Shawn and if they blamed him for what had happened. After all, he did.

Had what he said to Shawn tonight been the last straw? Shawn did say he went up there every Christmas Eve. So what made this one different? What had made Shawn write the letters and take the pills, which he hadn't done before? Was it true what Shawn had put in the letter; that he loved him and he couldn't go on with the way things were?

Was it the way that Lassiter had treated him that had pushed him over that edge, to the point of no return? Or was it a combination of all of them. The fights with his dad, Guster and O'Hara getting together and him feeling left out; McNab and the Chief no longer surprised about his visions. And last but not least was it the way he had treated Shawn all those years? It wasn't like he hadn't heard the talk at the station, the gossip about the way Shawn touched him or the fact that he did whatever he could to get him to push him against the wall. But Lassiter was afraid. Afraid that Shawn would reject him. After all, he wasn't much, he couldn't even hold onto his marriage no matter how hard he tried, so why would Shawn want someone like him.

Just then the bus pulled up to the hospital door, bringing them all out of their own thoughts, leaving them all with only one. Will Shawn be ok, and could he ever forgive them for not seeing that he needed them.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	3. What had Happened?

**Chapter 3:**** What had Happened?**

The group moved through the hospital quickly, as Lassiter already knew were to go. He only pulled up once and that was at the nurse's desk. After speaking to one of the nurses, he led them to a waiting room. Once they had all entered, he addressed them.

"I asked the nurse if she could call the doctor for us. We're just to wait here until the doctor is available."

"Ok, Detective Lassiter, we're all going to sit down here and wait, but I want you to tell us what happened," Chief Vick said as she sat down. Everyone followed suit and just sat there looking at him.

"Ok, I was at my desk when I had a feeling someone was watching me. When I looked around, I found it was Spencer. He walked up and I, I snapped at him, like I usually do."

"If you love him, why would you hurt him like that?" asked McNab

"Because I was afraid he wouldn't want me. I'm not the type of person Shawn should be seen with and it was my way of keeping him at a certain distance."

"Ok, I'm sorry Detective."

"It's ok, McNab. Anyway, he walked up and handed me an envelope. He then wished me a Merry Christmas. I reminded him that he had already done that and he gave me the envelope with the orders that I wasn't to open it until tomorrow. I just dismissed it and threw the letter onto my desk. And for the record, I did have a feeling that something wasn't right."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" asked Henry.

"Because, because it was Shawn and I had just gotten used to dismissing anything with him; and yes I know that was a big mistake. Anyway, Shawn left and I went back to work. Just as I came back from the file room the call come in about a jumper in a Santa suit. As I walked over to get my gun, the warning bell started to go off, again. Shawn was wearing a Santa suit. When he left, he didn't return to the party, but headed out front and then the biggest clue was the envelope."

"How did it...' Gus started.

"It was addressed to Detective Carlton Lassiter, not Lassie." Lassiter answered him

Gus nodded, understanding the difference.

"As we went up in the lift, I opened it. Inside, there were two more envelopes; one addressed to the station, the other to me. The one addressed to me, basically said that he wished me a happy life and telling me that he was in love with me. It also said that he couldn't go on the way he was and he asked me to forgive him."

"Lassiter, Carlton, I'm sorry." Henry said as he got up and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "And for what it's worth, I'm ok if you and Shawn do get together."

"Thank you, Mr. Spencer."

"And the other letter, Detective Lassiter?" asked Chief Vick

Lassiter pulled the letter out of his pocket. "It reads..."

_To whoever is reading this?_

_My name is Shawn Spencer and I have taken my own life on the twenty fourth of December, two thousand and eleven._

_You will find my body on the roof top of 203 High Street. I am sorry for any pain I have caused anyone, but I know that it will only be short lived. _

_I truly wish all the best for my friend Gus and his lovely girlfriend Jules, please, don't let them think this is their fault. No one can stop love. I wish the best for Chief Vick and her family. _

_McNab, hold in there, you have a bright future, you just need to hold on a little bit more and to my dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have never lived up to your expectations or hopes. But please believe me; I did live a happy and full life._

_Lassie, take McNab under your wing, with the right training, he will make a great Detective, someone you can be proud of, not fear that he will take your job from you._

_Just one more thing, this was my decision, no one else's and no one has done anything to help me make up my mind. It isn't anyone's fault, except mine._

_Yours sincerely _

_Shawn Spencer _

Lassiter just looked at the letter in his hand, waiting to see if anyone was going to say anything. When nothing came, he looked up at the faces looking back at him. They were filled with shock and the eyes were filled with tears. Since no one wanted to say anything he continued with what happened.

"After I got to the roof, I went to talk to him. He had me sit so I couldn't get close enough to just grab him. We talked about how he felt alone and the fact that he did this every Christmas Eve. When he threw the empty bottle of Scotch at me, I jumped up and took that moment to get close enough to put hand cuffs on him, one to his wrist and the other to me. That's when I realised that he had taken some pills. After he blacked out, we got him back onto the roof and the rest you know. I had only just gotten back to the bullpen when you came up looking for Shawn."

"Wow, we were out having fun, while Shawn was trying to kill himself. Really brings you back to reality doesn't it?" Gus said.

Everyone stood there, heads down, just as the doctor walked in. He looked at all these people, who looked like they were in prayer. He waited patiently, as not to interrupt them. Lassiter was the first to notice him.

"Sorry, Doctor, we didn't see you come in."

"That's ok. Now, you are all here for Mr. Shawn Spencer?"

There was a chorus of affirmatives then Henry stepped forward.

"I'm Shawn's father; this is Burton Guster his best friend and Chief Vick of the police, his boss. The rest are police officer's who work with him," Henry offered as an explanation of why there was so many of them.

"Well, I already knew of Detective Lassiter. In fact, I was just about to call you. Mr. Spencer is showing improvements already."

"Improvements, in what way... You told me not to expect anything until at least tomorrow?" Lassiter said full of hope.

"Well, we weren't expecting any changes much before then, but it looks like he's a fighter and he has already opened his eyes, although he is asleep again at the moment."

"That's good isn't?" asked Gus.

"Yes, it is. Now the confusion I have is that he was brought in as a suicide victim, right?"

"Yes, that's right, why?"

"It's just unusual for a person who has tried to commit suicide, to fight so hard to stay alive. Did you say something to him, which might have helped him, Detective?"

"It might have just been that I showed him that people do care for him, that's all," Lassiter said looking at the floor.

"OK, well, you can all wait if you want, or just give the nurse your number and we'll call you when he wakes up."

"Thank you, Doctor," Henry said as he shook his hand, then the doctor left. "So who is staying?"

"The bus is still outside, if anyone wants to use it?" added Lassiter

"Well I'm staying," Henry said.

"So am I," added Gus. "Juliet?"

"Of course I'm staying, did I really need to say it?" she said with a little hurt in her voice.

"I'd love to stay, but I need to get back to work, anyone coming with me?" Lassiter asked looking at the Chief and McNab.

"I want to stay as well, but I better get back to my wife," Buzz replied.

"And I need to get back and shut down the party. It doesn't seem right that it goes on when Shawn is in here," The Chief said. "But call me as soon as he wakes up, please?"

"Will do, Chief," Henry said, he then turned to Lassiter. "Lassiter, Carlton, thank you. You have given me something to think about and I will call you first, when he wakes up."

"Thank you, Mr. Spencer. Well, we better get going. Bye."

With that, Henry, Jules and Gus returned to their chairs and Lassiter, the Chief and McNab left. They all knew it was going to be a long night, but at least it looked like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	4. Back at the Station

**Chapter 4:**** Back at the Station.**

After the Chief, McNab and Lassiter got back to the station, they went their separate ways. McNab went to find his wife, Lassiter went back to his desk and the Chief went back to the party to break the news. She approached the DJ and asked if she could speak to the crowd. The DJ nodded and stopped the music. When everybody turned to see what was going on, they were surprised to find the Chief looking very solemn. Once the crowd had calmed down enough, she started to speak.

"I'm sorry, everyone, but I'm closing down this party and asking everybody to go home unless you're on duty." Chief Vick spoke with a stronger voice then she felt she had.

"But, Chief, you said we could go until midnight, it's only eleven." A voice came out of the crowd.

"I know what I told you, but..." she paused; it was going to be hard to tell them, but they need to know, to know their beloved psychic was in hospital and why. Chief Vick looked at the faces looking back at her, she knew that no matter how little, or how much, contact they had with Spencer he had affected their lives in some way. "The reason I am stopping the party is out of respect for one of our follow co-works, who, at this moment fighting for his life in the hospital."

The Chief watched as the faces turned to shock and horror at her words, but what shocked her most was the result of who they thought it was Detective Lassiter and the fact a lot of them wanted to stay and help find the person who had hurt him. Putting her hands up to stop the whispers and to get their attention, Chief Vick had never been more proud of her men and women. Once they were quiet again, she went ahead and explained the situation.

"Thank you all for your support and I'm sure Detective Lassiter feels very honoured that you would want to give up your time and find someone who had hurt him. But it won't be necessary, as it is NOT Detective Lassiter who is in the hospital. It is, I mean it's..."

"It's Spencer," Lassiter finished off for her, from the back of the room. Everyone turned and looked at their Head Detective; they just couldn't believe ...he had just said what he had said. "Tonight I got a call out to a jumper at a nearby building. It turned out to be Spencer. He is in hospital, fighting for his life, from the effects of the alcohol and drugs he had taken. Now I believe the Chief said the party was over, go home, hold your love ones close and be grateful you have them. Goodnight." Lassiter left the room and returned to his desk.

As the partygoers left, each and every one of them walked past Lassiter's to give their apologies and well wishes for Shawn to get better. The last to approach him was the Chief and McNab, whose wife was waiting by the door for him.

"Detective Lassiter, goodnight and I truly believe that Shawn will be fine," McNab said trying to smile.

"Thank you McNab and goodnight." He watched McNab walk over to his wife, give her a kiss and then leave. He turned back to the Chief. "Chief, I'm sorry about taking over in there, but..." Chief Vick knew what he was about to say and she also knew he didn't need to say it. So she interrupted him.

"It's ok, Carlton, I was choking in there and you got the message across, that's all that counts. So, Detective, where are you going when you finish work?"

"If you mean, am I going up to the hospital, then, no! The doctor said that they would call me when Spencer wakes up," Lassiter said with a strong, if quiet, voice.

"Are you sure?" the Chief queried.

"Yes, Chief and even though I want to be there when he wakes up, it just wouldn't be right."

"It might not seem right, but if you think about it, Shawn is fighting for his life, most likely because of you and seeing you when he walks up, well..." The Chief said hoping that Carlton was getting the gist of what she is saying.

"Could make the difference and stop him from doing this again. It could also prove that I really do care for him," Lassiter said in a low voice.

"Right, now your shift finished ten minutes ago. Now, hand off Shawn's case to one of the other officers and get yourself up to that hospital. Do you understand, Detective?"

"Yes, Chief," Just then Officer Carson walked in to start his shift. "Carson!" Lassiter shouted, "Over here now"

The young officer wasn't planning on upsetting the Head Detective anytime soon. He changed his course and headed straight to Lassiter's desk. Seeing the Chief there as well, he started to think he had already, somehow, upset the Detective and as he approached he let out a little sigh of disappointment.

"You wanted to see me, Detective Lassiter?" Officer Carson asked as he came to stop in front of the desk. He then nodded at the Chief. "Chief Vick."

"Yes, I'm off duty now," and Officer Carson watched as Detective Lassiter gave the Chief a strange look. "And I'm giving you my case files for the night, to finish up."

"Thank you, sir," Carson said and even though he said it calmly and steadily, inside he was shocked. He had heard that you had to be in the Detective's good books for such a privilege and he had only been at this station for about four weeks.

"Now I don't know if you have heard, but this top file is about our resident psychic, Shawn Spencer. He tried to kill himself tonight and is in hospital right now in a coma."

Carson could see that the Detective was trying to keep it together. "Do you want discretion used with this case, sir, Chief?" Carson asked with a concerned voice, he also gave the Chief a glance as he said it.

"No, Officer Carson, just about everyone in the station knows about it and we don't hide these things in this station," the Chief answered.

"Yes, Chief, sorry, I just thought..."

"It's ok, Officer Carson, we do understand that you were just protecting Spencer and this station, but in doing that, he won't get the help he needs," explained Lassiter

"Now, I better get going. Spencer on the other hand won't be going anywhere for the time being, so you can work on the other cases first. They're mainly attempted breaking and entering and a few muggings."

"Yes sir." And with that, Officer Carson picked up the files and left.

"Ok, Detective, now; why don't you get yourself, over to the hospital?"

"Yes, Chief, it's not like I have anyone to go home to," Lassiter said a little down.

"No, you don't, but you do have me and O'Hara if you need to talk. Good night, Detective." she said putting a comforting hand on to his shoulder.

"Goodnight and Chief, thank you." With that they both walked off in their own direction.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	5. Realisations

**Chapter 5:**** Realisations.**

It had been a long night; a night full of soul searching. Whether they were at the hospital or somewhere else, everyone took the news about Shawn Spencer to heart and tried to put themselves into his shoes. But they couldn't understand why Shawn would want to leave the world in this way.

Henry, Gus and O'Hara were surprised when a few officers from the station stopped by on their way home to give their well wishes for Shawn. These few kind caring words from people Shawn knew by sight and might have only said a few words too, had shown Henry just what an effect Shawn had on people. How, by just being him, he could change the way a person feels.

One of the officers, nearly in tears, explained that she had just lost her husband and daughter in a car accident last year, just a month prior to Christmas, and she couldn't see a reason to go on. She was standing on that same building top when Shawn had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He sat with her on that ledge, looking down at the cars and people going by and although she had on thick warm winter clothing, the cold wind still chilled her to the bone; Shawn was sitting there in his usual Apple Jacks T-shirt and jeans. Letting out a little laugh at the memory, she then looked Henry in the eyes and told her story.

"_Shawn told me, that yes, my family was gone and one day, so will the hurt. But I needed to be honest with myself and if I jumped, was I sure there wasn't going to be someone, anyone, who would miss me. And the truth was yes; yes, there were people who would miss me, Mr. Spencer, like my mum and dad, my sister and it just made me realised, I wasn't the only one hurting. I just wish I could have been there for him tonight, but maybe I wasn't there this time, maybe I was the one who stopped him doing this last year and this time, when he need someone stronger, it was Detective Lassiter's turn. Good night, Mr. Spencer, Detective O'Hara, Mr. Guster, I will pray that you will get your Christmas miracle today and that Shawn will wake up."_

With that she had walked out. Henry had to think hard about what she had said. Did Shawn truly believe that there would be no one who would miss him, if he was dead? When Lassiter walked in, Henry was still thinking about what she had said. The moment he saw Lassiter standing there, only one question come to mind.

"What was Shawn wearing?" Henry asked in a low, flat tone.

"Sorry, Mr. Spencer?" Lassiter asked back a bit confused.

"I asked you, what was Shawn wearing?" Henry asked again a little anger in his voice this time.

Lassiter looked down at the floor as he tried to remember. He thought the question was strange, but he didn't want to upset Henry and have him send him away. When he was ready to answer, he looked Henry straight in the eyes.

"Spencer was in his sneakers and a Santa Claus suit." Henry let out a silent sigh, but held his breath when Lassiter continued. "It was only a thin one and underneath it he had on his Apple Jacks T-shirt and a pair of Jeans. Why?"

"Because one of your officers was in here earlier and said Shawn stopped her from jumping last year. Same building, same day, and Shawn, was wearing his Apple Jacks T-shirt and I wanted..."

"And you wanted to know if he was wearing it tonight as well?" Lassiter finished off.

"Yes."

"Spencer had told me that he goes up there every year and thinks about doing it. What we need to work out is what happened this year to put him over the point of thinking about it and actually doing it," Lassiter said with a sigh. He was tired; tired from lack of sleep and mentally tired from going over and over in his mind, how he missed the signs.

"You're right; we do need to know that. What he told your officer was that she needed to think about whether or not anyone would miss her. When she thought about it, she found the answer to be yes and she changed her mind because of it."

"So, did that mean that Shawn thought none of us would miss him?" asked Gus.

"I guess so," answered Lassiter.

"It was my fault." Juliet's quiet voice came from the back of the room. "I pushed him over the edge."

"Why would you say that, O'Hara?" asked Lassiter

Juliet took a deep breath before answering. "Because, because Shawn and I had a fight the night before. I had seen him coming out of a gay bar with some man draped all over him. I went up to him and asked what was going on, but I didn't give him a chance to answer and I accused him of using me to hide the fact he was gay. He had a shocked look on his face and I told him that he would pay. That I was going to 'out' him to everyone and then no one would want him."

"O'Hara, that wouldn't have been it, trust me. Gus and I have known about Shawn being bi for a long time," Henry said as he sat down beside her and put a comforting arm around Juliet's shoulder.

"He knows he wouldn't lose us, Juliet, not for that anyway."

"Are you sure, Gus?" Juliet asked with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"Yes, we are!" answered both Henry and Gus together.

"Then what? I've been as grumpy as always to him. Chief Vick has been the same, so what could it be?" Lassiter said out loud but more to himself, than to the others.

"Wait a minute, Jules, what do you mean he was using you. You are dating me, right?" Gus asked with a little anger in his voice.

"Of cause I'm dating you. I meant that he was using me, by always flirting with me and when we first met he did keep asking me out, didn't he?" Jules answer a little annoyed with Gus' reaction.

"What about you, Lassiter?" Henry asked.

"What about me?" Lassiter replied confused

"How would you have reacted if you had found out that Shawn was gay and had been seen with another man?"

"Well, I would be happy and disappointed at the same time, why?" Lassiter answered still not seeing where this was going.

"Ok, what if it was just like your officer. She had said that she had just lost her family in a car crash and was blinded by grief to all the others around her. What if it was the same for Shawn? What if Juliet's threat blinded Shawn to the rest of us, because he was thinking about how you'd react to finding out he was gay?"

"But I just said..."

"I know what you said, but this is Shawn. You have never given him any reason to think you like him, have you?"

"No."

"In fact, you have always made him think that you hate him, right?"

"To a point, yes."

"So in Shawn's mind you hate everything about him. This was just one more thing for you to hate. In fact you would push him away a lot more and even more violently, especially when he invaded your personal space." Henry watched as Lassiter face showed realisation at what Henry was trying to say.

"But that would only work if, if Shawn also liked me, in that way," Lassiter said his voice full of shock and hope. "And now it might be too late." Tears started too welled up in his eyes and right now Lassiter was too tired to care.

"It still comes down to me. I'm still the one who threatened to 'out' him," Jules said tears already falling.

'No, O'Hara, it doesn't, it comes back to me and the fact I didn't have the courage to tell Spencer how I really felt about him," Lassiter said as a few tears escaped.

Just then a young woman holding a chart and wearing a doctor's coat walked in. Looking at the group she smiled at them. "Mr. Shawn Spencer's family, I guess?" she said with a happy voice.

"Yes we are." answered Henry.

"Well, I have good news; Mr. Spencer has improved a lot. In fact he has started to show signs of waking up and considering how many tablets he took, it's a miracle."

"Thank you, do you have any idea when we will be able to see him?" asked Henry.

"It might be at least another couple of hours. Why don't you go home and get some sleep." As she was leaving she turned to them and added, "Merry Christmas." Then she was gone.

Henry turned back at the others, with a big smile on his face. "Looks like we got our Christmas miracle after all."

They all agreed on that and the fact none of them were going home until Shawn knew how they really felt about him, including Lassiter.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	6. Shawn's Awake

**Chapter 6:**** Shawn's Awake.**

Henry sat there, watching the others in the waiting room, as they slept. Juliet was lying down on one of the sofas with her head on Gus' lap. Gus himself was leaning against the corner wall, head slightly tilted and mouth wide open. Lassiter had been sitting on the floor and as sleep had taken over, he slowly ended up lying on the floor in the foetal position. Henry himself had drifted in and out of sleep a few times over the last two hours. It was a technique he had used when on long stake outs while still in the job. A noise from the doorway drew his eyes away from the others to see Chief Vick standing there. Sitting up straight and giving a little stretch, Henry acknowledges her presence.

"Karen, how long have you been there?" he said as he yawned.

"Only a few minutes, what's happening?" she whispered.

"Let's go for a walk," Henry suggested as he nodded his head at the sleeping group. "I'll tell you, but they need their sleep."

Karen nodded. "You look like you could use some coffee," she said with a little laugh.

They walked down the near empty hallway without saying a word. After they had gotten their coffee, something to eat, and only after Henry took his first sip did he break the silence.

"From the last report we were given, Shawn is starting to wake up, which is a good sign."

"That's great; any idea why he did it?" Chief Vick was shocked by the change in Henry's expression, which had gone from a happy shine to grim.

"Yeah, we think we know why," Henry answered, not looking at her.

"And...?"

Henry let out a deep breath. He didn't want to go here yet, but he knew he had to.

"Well, it's like this. You know how Lassiter said that he liked Shawn?"

"Yes."

"Well, O'Hara had found out Shawn was gay and she threatened to 'out' him. We think Shawn was blinded by what he thought would be Lassiter's reaction to this information."

"But that would mean that Shawn also liked Lassiter, right?"

"Right."

"Well, luckily for them, a change in police policy has just come out. It will allow them to be able to keep working together, if they are together, that is."

"That's good and you have no problem with it?"

She answered with a smile. "Why would I? I've seen the affect Shawn has on Lassiter. Regardless of what others say, Shawn is a very calming influence on him." She noticed that Henry's cup was empty, his sandwich just about gone and he was playing with a piece of crust. "So, have you finished?" she asked, placing her hand on his. "After all, I'm sure you want to get back in case the doctor comes."

"Yes I do and, Karen, thank you."

"What for, Henry?"

"Not too many people can handle Shawn and you have," Henry said with genuine admiration.

"He's a good kid, Henry; you did a good job with him. Yes, he is a handful at times, but he does get results, no matter how he does it."

"Yes he does, doesn't he? Let's get back to the others."

With that they got up and headed back up the hallway. There were a lot more people around now, as the night shift and day shift switched over.

As they entered the waiting room, they could see the same scene as when they left. They had only been seated a few moments when Lassiter suddenly sat up, calling out Shawn's name. He looked around and seeing the Chief and Henry looking at him, he lowered his head slightly embarrassed and apologised.

"What for, Detective?" Henry asked

"For...for calling out Spencer's name," Lassiter said shyly.

"Lassiter," Henry sighed as he said his name. "You have already told us how you feel about Shawn. I'm not surprised that you would dream about him," Henry said a little frustrated at the man before him. Did Lassiter really lack that much confidence?

"I, I'm just, just sorry. When it comes to Spencer, I just loose it and now with this, I..." Lassiter stumbled over his words.

"It's ok, Detective. I think you will need some time off, don't you?" the Chief said.

"Yes, Chief," Lassiter answered still not lifting his head.

"Detective, I was thinking that since we will most likely only be able to go in one at a time, I think you better be the last one." Henry watched Lassiter to see his reaction to this request.

"Why?" Lassiter answered in a very low voice.

"So you can spend the most time with him. If we're right about why he did this, he needs to hear the truth from you." Henry waited as this information sank in, then he continued. "We will be nearby if you need us, but you need to tell Shawn how you really feel."

"You're right, Mr. Spencer, of course you are." Suddenly Lassiter got up off the floor. "Doctor."

Henry and Karen turned to see the female doctor standing in the door away.

"Sorry, Doctor, we didn't see you. Is there news?"

"Mr. Spencer is awake. He has been for the last hour, but we wanted to see if he was going to stay awake and then we ran some tests."

"And the tests results were..." Henry pressed.

"Mr. Spencer didn't take as many sleeping tablets as we first thought. It turned out he had taken his normal dosage and had left the rest at home."

"So can we see him now?" Gus asked as he gently awoke Juliet.

"Yes, you can, all of you. But, because of the reason he came in, he cannot be released until he undergoes a psych evaluation. But, please be careful with what you say to him, he seems a little jumpy." The doctor is surprise that after saying this everyone seemed too relax. Henry noticed the way she was looking at them and felt that he needed to explain.

"Doctor, there is a reason why we seem happy that you just said that Shawn is a little jumpy. I mean we would have been more worried if you had said that Shawn was sitting there doing nothing." Henry could see he was confusing the doctor.

"What Henry is trying to say is Shawn is naturally very active. He never sits still," the Chief added, trying to help

"Arr...I get it. Because he moves a lot normally, if he was sitting still it would be worse, right?"

"Right," answered Henry.

"Ok, so who wants to see Mr. Spencer?"

"We all do."

As they walked down the hallway, Henry had gotten Lassiter to stay at the back of the crowd.

"We will all see him and as we leave, you will be the last to stay, right?"

"Yes, Mr. Spencer, and thank you for your support."

You're welcome, Lassiter. You just make yourself heard."

"I'll try my best, don't worry, I will."

The doctor led the small group down the hall and stopped in front of a door. "Ok, this is his room. As I said before, just be careful of what you say."

They all silently nodded their understanding to the doctor.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	7. Gus and Juliet Talk to Shawn

**Chapter 7:**** Gus and Juliet Talk to Shawn.**

They stood outside the door to Shawn's room. Each one was trying to prepare himself for what they would see once in the room and how they felt, seeing as how Shawn thought that they wouldn't miss him. Henry gently knocked on the door and when a quiet voice answered, the group entered.

The sound of shocked gasps echoed around the room. Lying on the bed was the ghostly form of Shawn. He was a pale white and although he was lying still, his hand was twitching. The other thing they all noticed was his eyes. Instead of being full of life and glowing with happiness they were cold and dead, staring at nothing. At the sound of the gasps, he turned to face the group, his dead eyes wandering over them, one at a time, ending on Lassiter.

They stood there for a few minutes, staring at Shawn and he stared straight back at them. It was Shawn who broke the silence.

"Sorry, to disappoint you all, but yes, I'm still alive." Shawn never once took his eyes off Lassiter.

"You idiot, Shawn," Henry said with an angry voice. "Do you really think we're upset because you're alive?"

Shawn shifted his eyes from Lassiter to his father and even though he was looking straight at him, Henry was sure that Shawn was looking right through him. Shawn's face shifted from the blank look to one of fury. His eyes started to burn with anger and he had gritted his teeth, his mouth in a snarl.

"Of course you're all disappointed that I'm not gone. Oh, I know now that I'm still here you're all going to give me some pathetic reason why you want me to live. But we all know the truth. You, Dad, wouldn't have to feel responsible for me anymore. Gus and Juliet..." he said as he moved his eyes over to them, "have started their own life together; no need to worry about including me anymore." Again his eyes shifted to Lassiter, but this time he stopped to swallow and the anger in his eyes faded a bit. "And as for Lassiter, he won't have to worry about me coming around and annoying him anymore. I'm surprised he didn't just let me go and say he didn't catch me in time."

All this anger and talking had taken its toll on Shawn and his head fell back onto his pillow. Breathing heavily now, Shawn just looked towards the opposite wall. His whole body shook with every breath he took. Henry turned to Lassiter and whispered something into his ear. Lassiter nodded and then headed out of the room leaving Shawn and the other three alone. Henry then walked up to Gus and Jules, he said something to them as well and then he and the Chief walked out.

Gus looked at Jules and they both walked up to the bed. Gus looked at his lifelong friend, but this wasn't him. This was not Shawn. With what the doctor said, he expected Shawn to be more animated like he normally was. Shawn hated to lay still and this person was doing just that, also, Shawn was a fun loving guy, not a person who would kill himself. This just wasn't Shawn.

Juliet's thoughts were the same. The person lying on the bed looked like Shawn, sounded like him, but was not acting like Shawn. In all the time Juliet had known Shawn, he had never been angry with anyone. Yet he just sat there and let all the anger out at them. She looked at Gus; he had genuine fear in his eyes as he watched his lifelong friend laying there.

"Shawn?" Gus carefully said, but when there was no response he tried again. "Shawn, please answer me."

Shawn slowly turned to look at Gus, their eyes meeting briefly, as Shawn started to look around for the missing three. When he realised that they had left, he turned his eyes back to Gus. His eyes were no longer lifeless or dead, but instead a small spark was starting to show.

"What do you want, Gus, what do you want to tell me? That you're sorry, that you were so busy with your new girlfriend that you didn't notice I was feeling left out?" Shawn asked partly in tears and partly with anger, but neither with much strength behind them. "And you, Jules, what have you to say about this. That you're sorry as well, that you hadn't noticed that I wasn't my usual self, that I was making as many excuse as I could not to be around you two."

"Shawn, yes; yes I am sorry I didn't notice, or rather I did notice, but I thought that you were getting ready to leave us again. I'm sorry I didn't realise it was something else but, Shawn, suicide? Really, Shawn, it just isn't you and maybe that's why I didn't see what was going on. But, Shawn, if I had known, I would have done everything I could have to stop you. You're my brother, Shawn. I love you man." By the time Gus had finished the tears flowed freely and Gus was holding up his fist, waiting for Shawn to bump it.

Shawn looked at Gus, he could see the tears and he could hear the sorrow in Gus' voice. He knew with all his heart that Gus truly was sorry and that he would have done everything he could to protect Shawn, even from himself. But he couldn't accept the fist bump, could he. He had done the unforgivable, they both did. Is it just that easy to forgive someone, or is there something else needed. Looking back down at the offered fist, a small smile formed on his face. Maybe, just maybe this was the first step to forgiveness. Hearing Gus give a little laugh as their fist come in contact with the other brought a larger smile from Gus. Maybe, in the future they could forgive each other.

Feeling a bit uncomfortable with the scene that was playing out before her and feeling like she was intruding on something that was sacred and only between Gus and Shawn, Juliet shifted her position. The movement, although slight, was enough to remind the boys she was there.

Shawn, now feeling guilty about what he had said to her, turned to look at Juliet. It wasn't Jules' fault that he felt this way. In fact, it wasn't anybody's fault really. Shawn knew that he didn't really belong anywhere and when he stayed too long in any one place, people just lost interest in him. The only reason that he could think of that he stayed so long this time was Lassiter and it was the same reason why he decided to end it all. He wanted to leave but he couldn't because of the way Lassiter had a hold on him, but he desperately wanted to leave because Lassiter hated him. He was trapped and he knew it. 

"Jules, I'm sorry for what I just said to you, but not for what I was trying to do. It isn't your fault that I did this, it's mine and mine alone."

"Shawn, yes, it was your decision to do this, but we're just as much to blame for not seeing what was happening right under our eyes. You are our friend and we should have seen that you were in some sort of trouble, but instead we were too wrapped up into ourselves to notice. I am really sorry for that, Shawn, I really am."

"Jules, let's just say that we all made mistakes." Jules noticed the spark in his eyes, but she wondered if this was the type of spark that Shawn had been hiding behind all this time.

"Well, buddy, we can't stay long and your dad wants to talk to you," Gus said trying to sound a little happier.

"Ok, Gus, so let's get the lecture over and done with, but you will come back and see me again, won't you?" Shawn asked with a little doubt in his voice, he was so sure that they wouldn't.

"Yes, we will, Shawn, as soon as we can. And, Shawn..."

"Yes, Gus?"

Promise me you won't do this again, please." Shawn could hear the pleading in Gus' voice, but he knew he couldn't make such a promise. Especially since he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it.

I'm sorry Gus, Jules, I can't. I, I just can't promise I won't try to take my life again, sorry." Shawn whispered.

"Can you promise to talk to us, so we can try and stop it getting this far again?" Juliet asked.

"I promise I'll try, that's the best I can offer you."

"It's better than nothing, Shawn. We better let your Dad come in and see you now." Gus said smiling a little bit more.

Jules gave Shawn a hug and Gus just held out his fist again. Gus' heart jumped when Shawn bumped it without hesitation.

"We'll see you soon, Shawn." They said as they walked out the door. They met Henry and Lassiter outside the room's door.

"Well, how did it go?" asked Henry

"Good, or at least as good as we could expect. He couldn't promise me won't do this again, but he did say he would try to talk to me if things get bad again," answered Gus.

"And we worked out a few things as well," added Jules. "Who goes next?"

"I do," Henry said. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck, Mr. Spencer," they said as they watched Henry walk into his son's room.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	8. Henry's Turn to Talk

**Chapter 8:**** Henry's Turn to Talk.**

Henry walked into his son's room. Shawn was sitting up in bed looking straight at the door as if he was expecting him. Henry held eye contact for a minute or two, before he looked away. When he looked back up, Shawn was looking down at his shaking hands.

As Henry walked up to Shawn, he gave him the once over. Shawn had always been thin, but now a closer look, Henry could see Shawn was really thin. He was so thin that his cheek bones were easily seen. The pale colour of his skin was in fact white and sweat was forming on Shawn's brow. When Shawn again made eye contact, Henry could see that the once sparkling hazel eyes were now black and cold. The spark was almost gone, just like Shawn was last night and he gave a silent prayer that the spark that was Shawn would come back.

"Disappointed again, Dad?" Shawn said his voice as flat as his eyes.

"What in the world makes you think I'm disappointed, Shawn?" Henry said with a bit of a bite.

"I'm still alive. I failed at killing myself, just like I've failed at everything I do. Just as everything I do disappoints you," Shawn replied his voice still not showing that he cared either way.

"Shawn, if you had killed yourself, I would have been disappointed in myself for failing to see that you needed help. Truth is..." Henry said as he looked down at the floor. "Right now I'm disappointed in myself, for failing you."

"How did you fail me?" Shawn sounded confused.

Henry's eyes remained on the floor. "For not seeing that you were hurting and that you needed me." When Shawn did not respond, Henry looked up only to see anger burning in his son's eyes. Henry smiled as he could see the old Shawn fighting back.

"You're disappointed; you're disappointed in yourself for failing me!" Shawn started to laugh at this information, and then just as quickly as the laughter started it ended and the anger returned. "I can't believe you, Dad. I have disappointed you all my life and now when I do the one thing that should disappoint you the most, you turn it around and make it out that you care about me and that it was your fault I did this. Well too bad, Dad, but I did this all by myself and it had nothing to do with you. So what do you say to that?" By the time Shawn had finished he was breathing heavily. Henry stepped a bit closer and without a word, he put the oxygen mask on Shawn.

"Now, Shawn, you are going to listen to me," Henry said in a low, angry voice. "Yes, you have disappointed me in the past and you will in the future as well. But with that said, you have also made me proud, very proud, and maybe I should have said it to you sooner. Detective Lassiter had gotten us all thinking on the way here, not only about the fact that you tried to kill yourself, but about other things as well. For me, it was whether or not I was proud of you for anything. Well, the answer is yes; yes, Shawn, I am very proud of you."

Shawn started to laugh, which finished in a coughing fit. Henry placed a comforting hand on Shawn's shoulder and Shawn tried to shake it off and gave his dad an angry sideward glance.

"Don't," Shawn gasped as he breathed heavily into the mask. "You don't need to do this; this isn't about you, Dad. It's about me," he finished saying as he fell back into the pillow.

"Wrong, Shawn, this is about all of us, not just you. It's about why you did this and why in hell no one saw the writing on the wall." Shawn raised his hand as if he was about to say something, but Henry was not finished and he wasn't going to let Shawn interrupt him. "And yes, Shawn, there was writing on the wall, there always is. With you it was your behaviour, how you had started to distance yourself from everyone and how you had stopped fighting me and started walking way." Henry bowed his head and then continued. "For me and Gus, we both made a near fatal mistake, because we were so sure that you were just getting ready to leave town. Not the living. I'm sorry, Shawn, if you thought I didn't care enough, that I wouldn't miss you if you were dead."

When Henry looked back up he was looking at a very shocked Shawn. He had taken the mask off and put on it on top of his head. His mouth was wide open, but what he noticed most was Shawn's eyes, they were shining. Yes, they were shining; shining with tears that had started to fall down Shawn's face. Henry reached over and wiped off some of the tears and for a moment it wasn't the retired cop Henry Spencer with his thirty year old son Shawn Spencer, who had never growing up. It was a father who had taken on the responsibility to raise his five year old son on his own.

"Dad," Shawn cried. "Dad, I'm sorry, I really am, but I am so alone, and you were happy with the way your life was going. Gus had Jules and, and I had no one. Or at least that's how it felt. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I have hurt you so much, that you think this is about you. But it's not, I'm the one at fault, I shouldn't have stayed. I stayed too long, got too attached to the place and some of the people here. I should have just left when I first got into trouble."

"It's alright, son, it's alright." Henry rubbed Shawn's back as he gave his son a hug, the first one they had shared in years. "Shawn, there is nothing wrong with getting attached to a place, not even to certain people. It's a yearning that every man has, to have someone to love or someplace to call home. I just hope we can fix this problem before it's too late. And in order to do this, we needed to do it together and we needed to listen, both of us."

Henry could feel the son that he thought was so strong cry deeply into his chest. How could he have been so wrong about Shawn? How did it get this bad and no one saw it until it was nearly too late. Henry still had a few questions which needed to be answered. He pulled away from Shawn as he felt Shawn's sobs slowly calm down. Looking at Shawn lying there, Henry could see the scared and weak little boy that Shawn was just after his mother left. Somewhere, as time had passed, Shawn had learned to hide that part of him so well that no one could see it. Not Henry and not even Shawn himself.

"You have questions, Dad?" Shawn asked breaking Henry out of his thoughts.

"Yes, Shawn, I do." Henry's voice was gentle as he answered his son. "Do you feel up to answering some of them?"

Shawn looked back at his hands. Henry could see he was thinking about what he had just asked him. Shawn looked back at him and nodded. "Yes Dad, I think I can."

"Good, now this one will be a little touchy. Is that alright? " Henry watched Shawn's reaction and since Shawn showed none he continued. "If the young officer hadn't been on that roof top last year, would you have done this back then?"

Shawn was surprised that Henry knew about what had happened last year and he just had to ask how he knew about it.

"No, Dad, I wouldn't have done it last year. I went up there like I've done every year just to think, not to kill myself. How did you know about that?"

"How did I know you were up there last year? After we arrived here and the Chief had gone back and broke up the party..."

"She did what? No, why? She didn't need to do that because of me?"

"Karen did what she thought was the right thing to do. To her, one of her officers was in the hospital while the rest were partying." Henry squeezed his eyes between his fingers; he let out a sigh and looked back at Shawn. "Anyway, Shawn, on their way home, some of the officers stopped by to wish you well and to see if there was any news. The officer who you had helped told me about what had happened."

"I..." Shawn stared at his dad not sure what to say for a few moments, then he started to talk again. "Dad, I did know you would miss me. You and Gus, you two miss me every time I leave, but this time it was different. It was me; I had nothing to hold on to anymore. Yes, I had Psych, but I'd had it, trying to do my best and all the while having Lassiter telling me I was a nuisance. I guess I was just tired of all the lies and I thought this was the only way out, where you and Gus wouldn't get burned because of my lies."

"Shawn, no matter how this Psych thing turns out, Gus and I knew what we were getting into when we backed you, so don't try that logic again, please. Now, do you feel like answering one more question for me?" Henry asked holding Shawn's shaking hand.

"Yes, what do you want to know?" Henry was thinking hard. He saw the fear reflected in Shawn's eyes and he needed to word the next question very carefully, otherwise Shawn could just close him out.

"Shawn, is there, I mean, I won't judge you in anyway, but I want to know if there is anyone you like, whether it's a man or woman I don't care. I just want to know if..."

Shawn couldn't hold back his laughter any longer, at the way his father was stumbling over his words trying to ask such an awkward question. Henry's face instantly tuned into a scowl at his son's reaction, but it only lasted for a moment as he watched Shawn laugh and he realised it had been a long time since he had heard the sound of Shawn's laughter. Again sadness reflected in his eyes as he realised it was another warning sign they had all missed.

"So, Dad, you want to know if there is someone who has stolen my heart," Shawn stated with a sad laugh.

"Yes, Shawn, I want to know if there is a person behind your reason to kill yourself."

"Yes, Dad, there is someone, but he doesn't like me."

"Are you sure of that?" Henry said trying to indicate that he knew otherwise.

"Yes, Dad, he's not like that, he's not a pansy like me. He's a strong and honourable man. Plus he has told me many times he hates me." Henry could see the sadness and hurt this confession had caused, but he needed to know and before he let Lassiter into the room.

"Is it Detective Lassiter?" the question was straight to the point and Shawn was once again shocked that his father could see this, but not what these feelings were doing to him.

"Yes," he whispered. It was so quiet that Henry wasn't sure if he had heard him right.

"Sorry, Shawn, was that a yes?" he asked hoping he hadn't over stepped the line.

"I said yes; yes, I'm in love with Carlton," Shawn said as he raised his head and looked at his dad with longing eyes.

Henry let out the breath he was holding and with a sigh he said. "Thank god."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because, he likes you too, Shawn, he..."

"No, he doesn't, Dad, he hates me." Henry could see the fear and tiredness and pain in Shawn's eyes. He couldn't understand why, with everything Shawn could see, why he couldn't see this as well.

"Shawn, why do you think he saved you?"

"It's his job, Dad, that's why. Plus, he had other people around him. He couldn't have anyone see him just let me die, now could he?"

"You're wrong, Shawn. He loves you, he really does. Lassiter even told me so. Now, I'm going to go outside to get him and I want you to talk to him, as well as listen. And before you say it, Shawn, if I didn't believe him, I wouldn't be leaving you alone with him. I want you two to work something out. I don't want to go through this again, understand?"

Shawn could see the worry in Henry's eyes and he only responded with a nod. He couldn't talk; his head was reeling from what his dad had just said. Lassiter did like him; he hadn't imagined that Lassiter had said that he didn't hate him while they were on the roof top. Henry stood up to leave and gave Shawn another hug. As he was about to walk out the door Shawn call to him.

"Dad, are you sure you will ok with me being with Lassiter?"

Henry could hear the doubt in Shawn's voice. "Yes, Shawn, of course I am, why?" he asked thinking that this might have something to do with why Shawn had tried to kill himself.

"Because mum said you wouldn't. I called her when I started to feel this way and she said that I would lose you and Gus if either of you ever found out. That if I truly loved you, I would fight these sick thoughts and if I couldn't, I should..." Shawn broke down crying and couldn't finish what he was saying.

Henry was fuming at his ex wife for even thinking such a thing, let alone saying it to Shawn, especially considering what her job was. With a few quick steps, Henry was back at Shawn's side, placing a hand on his shoulder. He made Shawn look at him.

"Shawn, you are not sick because you feel this way about Lassiter. Your mother was wrong and trusts me, she is going to find out how wrong she was. Now, I'm going to let Lassiter in. Are you ok with that at the moment?"

"Yes, I want to see him. I want to know if what you just said is true."

"Well then, you better clean yourself up a bit." Henry handed Shawn a wet towel. He then gave Shawn a nod and walked out. He couldn't believe what Shawn's mother had said to him and he was going to make sure his ex knew just what her words had done.

As he walked up to the others, they could see the look on Henry's face and knew he was very angry about something.

"Chief," Henry said nodding his head to acknowledge the woman then turned his attention to Lassiter. "Lassiter, are you ready to go in?"

"Yes. Is everything ok?" Lassiter asked a bit concerned by the older Spencer's mood.

"With Shawn, yes, everything is ok. But before you go in, I need to know if anyone here has any concerns with Lassiter and Shawn being in a relationship?" Henry looked at each person standing there.

"No," came the response from everyone.

"Good, because Shawn is going to need our support in this and if you have any doubt, say it now." Henry got the same response again. "Good. Chief, I need to talk to you in a minute, alone."

"Of course, Henry," she replied curious as to what he could want to talk about.

Henry turned to Lassiter making sure he would understand what he was about to say. He put a hand on the detective's arm before he spoke. "Lassiter, I told him how you feel about him, or at least what you told us. Now it's up to you to talk some sense into him."

"Yes sir, Mr. Spencer, I'll try my best," Lassiter promised and he headed towards the door. Everyone watched him until he disappeared into the room, shutting the door behind him.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing **


	9. Is Lassiter Shawn's Dr Love?

**Chapter 9:**** Is Lassiter Shawn's Dr. Love?**

As Lassiter entered the room, he could feel the eyes of the others on his back, watching him as he entered Shawn's room. Once inside he turned and shut the door, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. When he looked back at Shawn, he could see that Shawn was looking at the ceiling. The look on his face told Lassiter that he was thinking and not necessarily avoiding looking at him, which he hoped was a good starting point.

Lassiter coughed into his hand to get Shawn's attention and when he did he was glad to see some of the old Shawn had returned. No longer did his eyes look dead, like they did when they all came in earlier. He had also gotten some colour back into his skin, but Lassiter guessed that might have something to do with him crying, as the marks were still on his cheeks.

The biggest change was that Shawn was smiling again. He tried to remember the last time Shawn smiled like this and for the life of him, he couldn't. This fact made his chest clench, as he realised that while he was doing his best to protect himself, he failed to see that the one he loved was on the brink. The worst part for Lassiter was the fact that he had been trained in suicide prevention and he just didn't see what was going on with Shawn.

"Did you want something, Detective?" Regardless of the smile Shawn's voice was full of fear; but, the fear of what? Was Shawn afraid of what he was going to say to him? Or the fear that what Mr. Spencer had said wasn't true? Lassiter shook his head to clear it, so Shawn knew what he was about to say was the truth.

"Yes, Spencer, I do want something."

"Well then, why don't you come over here? Or are you too upset for not letting me fall when you had the chance." The smile from Shawn's face was gone. Instead it was replaced with anger, fear and despair.

Hearing and seeing this sudden change, he realised the smile Shawn had on when he came in was forced, the type he had used all this time to keep everyone thinking he was fine. This was the type of smile that he now recognised as Shawn's coping mechanism.

"Spencer." He stopped a moment and took a deep breath before beginning again. "Shawn, why the hell did you do this?" Lassiter didn't mean to be so blunt, but he couldn't help it. He wanted an answer.

Shawn looked at him and the hurt and fear intensified in his eyes. Lassiter watched in horror as Shawn withdrew from him both physically and mentally.

"Shawn, I'm sorry, ok. I didn't mean it that way. It's my fault you're in here. In so many ways, it's my fault. I just want to know if I was the start of it or was I just the straw that broke you?"

"What? Neither; what, makes you think it was you?" Shawn was shaking his head, both confusion and horror was clearly written on his face.

"The letter you gave me." Lassiter took the letter from his pocket and held it in his hand.

"The suicide letter..." Shawn said confused.

"No, the other one; the one you addressed to just me.

"Oh, that one, but how did you..." Shawn was still confused at how in the world Lassiter come to the conclusion that it was because of him that he tried to kill himself.

"How come I thought it was me, because you wrote..." Lassiter unfolded the letter and read from it. _'P.S. Lassie, I could never say it to you, but I love you. I love you with all my heart and I just cannot go on like I am. Please forgive me.' _That's why," Lassiter said handing Shawn the letter.

"I didn't mean it that way. I'm so, so sorry, Carlton. I never meant you to think it was your fault. You didn't make me fall in love with you; I'm just a sick person that deserves to die," Shawn said wrapping himself up into a ball.

The moment Lassiter heard the tears he was sitting on the edge of the bed holding Shawn.

"Shawn, it's ok. Shhh, it's ok. I don't blame you for this, it's my fault. I'm the one who is trained as a suicide prevention officer, the one who failed to see the signs. I'm the one who pushed you away out of fear that you wouldn't want someone like me, instead of taking the chance that you would love me."

"I do love you, Carlton, but my mum said..." Lassiter didn't need for Shawn to say it; he could see it in his eyes what his mother had said. He also guessed this was the source of Henry's anger when he left the room.

"She's wrong, Shawn," Lassiter said looking straight into his eyes.

"How do you know what she said, I didn't get to say it."

"Because, Shawn, I've been listening to the same crap from my mother ever since I told her I was gay. And yes, Shawn, it is hard not to listen to them; after all they are our mums. But I ended up in a loveless marriage because I listened to her instead of my heart and last night I nearly lost you, because I was still listening to her and not my heart. Shawn, if I had been listening to my heart I would have told you earlier how I felt and we would not be here in the hospital right now."

"So how do you really feel about me, Detective Lassiter?" asked Shawn hope shining in his eyes.

"I can't say it, Shawn, not at the moment. It would only be a shallow gesture to you and I don't want that." Lassiter watched Shawn's face show the disappointment he was feeling. "What I can do is this."

Lassiter pulled Shawn into a tight embrace and tenderly kissed him. One hand moved slowly up to the back of Shawn's head and entangled his fingers into Shawn's hair. Shawn didn't kisses back at first, he couldn't. To him this wasn't real, it couldn't be, Lassie wouldn't be kissing him, and he wouldn't be telling him that he loved him. But he was kissing him and after a few seconds, Shawn started to kiss back, following Lassiter's lead and his hands ended up in the same positions. Just after a minute later, Lassiter broke the kiss, but he only put a little space between them, leaning his forehead onto Shawn's.

"So, do you know how I feel about you now?" Lassiter said panting.

"I think I do, but, why?"

"Why, what Shawn?"

"Why did you kisses me, I'm nothing; a nobody. You need someone worthy of your love; worthy to be seen with you and I'm not that person."

"To me, Shawn, you are truly worthy of my love and as for being someone to be seen in public with me, are you kidding? Of course you are worthy of it. I'm not sure you would want to be seen with a grumpy old man, but I love you, Shawn, and if you can see past all my faults, I would love to ask you out."

"Are you really sure, Lassie? What if dad and everyone else think it's sick, I mean, about us being together?" Shawn said fear strongly in his voice.

"It's not sick, Shawn, and I know for a fact that your dad, Guster and O'Hara, as well as the Chief are fine with us. As for the rest, well it's their loss. There is nothing wrong with us or us being together, understood?"

"I guess so; it's just that I'm scared. I've never been with a man before," Shawn said as he turned his head and placed it onto Lassiter's chest.

"Want the truth, Shawn, so am I. I've never been with another man either, I just know I've been in love with them. But I was never IN love with them, like I am with you. Trust me, if any of the others had tried to do the things you did to me, I would have shot them or had them arrested for assaulting a police officer."

Lassiter could feel Shawn smiling into his chest at this. "Carlton?"

"Yes, Shawn."

"What do we do now?" Shawn asked as he moved himself so he could look into Lassiter's eyes.

"Now, as in right now, Shawn, or do you mean when you get out of the hospital, now?"

"Both," Shawn whispered.

"Right now, we wait; we wait until you get better. It would do no good for either of us to dive into this relationship while you still doubt that I love you. And you do doubt me, Shawn; I can see it in your eyes. But once we get past this, together, then we will talk about where we are going."

"Carlton, I do love you and I have been listening to everything you said. You're right, I do doubt you. I doubt that you love me and I'm sure this is some trick and that you are planning to leave once you think I'm fine." Shawn looked away.

"I love you, Shawn, and I promise I will never leave you alone again. And if you want proof..." He pulled Shawn up so he was looking into his eyes. "I know your secret, ok. I've always known that you're not psychic, that the truth is, you have an eidetic memory and if I didn't love you, I would have arrested you by now."

Shawn looked at him with shock, "You, you knew, all this time. You knew the truth. Maybe you do love me."

"Yes, Shawn, I love you." And with that, Carlton gently kissed Shawn again. He knew it was going to be a long, uphill battle, with the occasional stumbling and falling back down again. But if Shawn was willing to try, Carlton was going to be there, every step of the way. And even help carry him over the top, if that is what he needed to do. He was sure that Shawn's love was worth the effort.

**THE END**

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing. So do you want a sequel, to watch their love grow and see what Henry does to Shawn's mother? Just leave me a review to say yes or no.**


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